


That's What He Said

by magicbus77



Category: As the World Turns
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-10-06
Updated: 2013-10-06
Packaged: 2017-12-28 15:41:33
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/993656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/magicbus77/pseuds/magicbus77





	1. Chapter 1

Luke settled in on the closet floor of his old bedroom, piles of boxes drawn near. He popped the top on his can of soda and licked orange Cheetos dust from his fingers. This wasn’t such a horrible way to spend the afternoon. It got him out of the house, and since that was the last place he wanted to be, he might as well make the best of it. If he had to make room for Carlton, son of Lily’s fiancé, Luke was going to take his time strolling down memory lane.  
  
After a few hours, he had separated most of his keepsakes. There were three boxes full of comic books and action figures that Luke thought the children in Pediatrics might enjoy. There was another containing yearbooks and several of his early short stories that would go up in the attic in the home Luke shared with Reid. He sighed thinking about how it had felt much less homey there over the past two weeks. They would get past this. Luke could be happy, just as soon as he accepted that he would not be making his own trip down the aisle.  
  
 _“And she’s making everyone in the wedding party wear pink. My mother actually asked me why I thought Ethan was throwing a fit because she bought him a pink beret.”_  
  
Reid was leaning over the kitchen counter, reading the paper. He smiled, but didn’t look up. “Let me guess. Carlton suggested it.”  
  
Luke hated having to say yes. Reid was relentless about how ‘weird that kid is’ and telling him things like this only made it worse. Luke agreed wholeheartedly that Carlton was not your average seven-year-old, but he was still a kid whose mother ran out on him. He deserved a little room to be eccentric if it made him feel better. “He’s already worn it to school.”  
  
“Mmmhmm” Reid clicked his tongue and mentally filed that away, strengthening his case that young Carlton was off his rocker.  
  
“Let’s promise not to subject our friends to any of the wedding foolishness.”  
  
“You’ll get no argument from me.”  
  
“We’ll just do something simple.” Luke went about putting up the groceries, never noticing the look of shocked horror on Reid’s face. “Out by the pond, kind of a picnic type reception.”  
  
Finally, Reid found his voice. “Wait. What? You just said weddings were foolish.”  
  
Luke stepped out of the pantry. He was gaping at Reid. “In what universe would I say that weddings are foolish? I was talking about all the trappings. No way will the price of our floral arrangements be enough to send a kid to Harvard for a semester.”  
  
It took a moment of silence, but Luke caught up. If Reid thought Luke was talking about weddings in general and agreed… “Oh.” The light came on and Luke’s stomach turned. “You don’t want to get married at all. What, like, ever?”  
  
“Well, I haven’t thought of it as a possibility.”  
  
“But it is.” Luke blinked rapidly to keep the tears at bay. “It’s legal.”  
  
Reid dug the heels of his hands in his eyes. “For the last six days it’s been legal. You’re talking like you’ve thought about being Dr. and Mr. Hyphenated for some time now.”  
  
“Why am I so surprised that you haven’t?”  
  
With that, Luke spun on his heels and avoided Reid for the rest of the evening. For the record, Luke wasn’t dying to get married tomorrow. Was it really so insane to think that, someday, Reid would be his husband?  
  
For the first week after that conversation, Reid had went on as normal. He took note of Luke’s cold shoulder and even tried to lighten the mood or bring home something special for dessert that he knew Luke liked. This week, the tables had turned. Reid appeared agitated and would inexplicably blurt out to “clean out that damn closet at your mother’s so she’ll stop calling here.” Lily called daily. Retrieving his belongings from his old room wouldn’t change that and they both new it. Luke figured Reid was trying to start a fight and ignored it.  
  
Luke focused on finishing up the task at hand. He lifted the lid on the final box and dug in. Drawings and cards from Natalie and Ethan took up most of the box. Luke admired each one, trying to remember how old they were when each masterpiece was created. He decided to add them to Lily’s collection and throw the rest in the trash, but after straightening the colorings, a leather bound journal caught his eye.   
  
Luke flipped open the cover and noticed the dates. A bitter taste filled Luke’s mouth as he remembered how writing had been his only solace during that time, after Noah’s accident but before his surgery. Not many good memories awaited him on those pages. “Definitely trash.”  
  
If one journal was in this box, there had to be more. Luke had a particular one in mind. This one he knew had more good memories than bad, but when he found it, his happy thoughts dissipated. Luke stared at the gnarled edges of spiral notebook sheets shoved between crisp white pages.   
  
“What the hell?” Luke lifted the journal and a note dropped to his lap. The paper had been folded sharply, his name scratched out in Reid’s tiny, blunt handwriting.  
  
A flash of panic brought beads of sweat to Luke’s forehead. Reid had read his thoughts, his very private thoughts, and what? Commented on them? A quick check of the dates confirmed that this was the journal he used at the beginning of his relationship with Reid. Luke wracked his brain. Most of what he had written was complementary, but he was sure there were things inside that Reid might take issue with. Worse yet, Luke was sure to take issue with what Reid decided to add.  
  
Luke almost didn’t want to see Reid’s notes, but his curiosity nagged. When had Reid done this? Why hadn’t he ever said anything? Luke fanned the paper out in his lap and leaned back against the wall.  
  
 **Well, well, Mr. Snyder. This journey into your mind has been enlightening. So many things I didn’t know. Like Noah trying (badly, I’m sure) to coax you into engaging in phone sex after he arrived in LA. And you question why I still don’t like the guy.  
  
Before you get all bent out of shape, I didn’t set out to read your diary.**  
  
Luke's lips pursed in anger. “It’s not a diary. Teenage girls have diaries.”  
  
 **A small amount of the blame falls on your shoulders. Had you not left me alone with your rambunctious siblings, I would have never wandered into your room in search of peace and quiet. I also blame your poor selection of paperbacks. You can tell me again how gripping the Harry Potter series is, but you made me sit through the movies. That was torture enough.**  
  
Honestly, Luke. This is the most interesting read in your collection. That may or may not have everything to do with the fact that it is mostly about me. I often forget how fascinating I am. We should talk about me more often.  
  
Right now I imagine you wearing your patented Luke Snyder Bitch Face, jaw jutting to the left and breathing heavily through your nose. My favorite is the flare in your eyes before they narrow. You say so much without words.   
  
I know you’re mad, but simmer down, Raging Bull. Have I not proven myself to be a fair man? Since you (unwittingly) showed me yours, I will show you mine. That’s right. Feelings, Snyder. I have them and I’m writing them down for posterity.  
  
Someday, you will dig up these memories, telling our children (Stop smiling. They’re only hypothetical.) about how their daddies fell in love. (You’re still grinning, aren’t you?) I can’t leave such important events up to your retelling. The kids need to learn that there are two sides to every story. The way things happened and how you remember them.  
  
The doghouse is cold and lonely at night. I should start writing my way out of it. You will see that I have conveniently marked the days that I found most interesting. Enjoy your light reading, Luke. This will never happen again.  
  
Yours,  
Reid


	2. Chapter 2

“Oh, no.” Luke put his face in his hands and shook his head. “He didn’t do this.”  
  
“Honey?” Lily called from downstairs. Luke could hear the rustle of bags as she squeezed through the front door. "Luke?"  
  
He jumped. How long had he been up here? Luke knew he'd be occupied for a while longer with his new discovery. He didn't have time for a chat with his mother. Luke shut the door and reached up to lock it. Before he could be interrupted, Luke flipped to the first marked page.  
  
 _May 5th, 2010_  
  
It’s official. I am the worst person on the face of this planet. The man I love is in a hospital bed, waiting to wake up and see again and all I can think about is a man I want.   
  
I’m a mess. To say I was lucky that the house was empty when I got home is an understatement. If Mom had seen the vomit on the front of my shirt, the bloodshot state of my eyes, and how my hands shook violently around a glass of water, there would be an intervention in my future soon. How did things get so screwed up? How could I let it go this far?  
  
Reid looked unnatural as he walked off the elevator. I knew then that something awful had happened. He wore defeat like a cement jacket, weighing him down with every step. There were complications, he said.   
  
Going into this, there wasn’t a scenario that I could dream up that would be worse than Noah still being blind. A part of me knew he could die, but that thought was quickly silenced by the part of me that knew Reid wouldn’t let that happen. But brain damage? I hadn’t thought of what that would mean for Noah. What it would mean for me, responsible for taking care of him.  
  
I remember screaming, but I can’t think of what I said. I was so furious. My hands slapped at Reid’s chest, pushing him away. Why wasn’t he saying what I needed to hear? Couldn’t he tell me that Noah would be fine, that he corrected my mistake? That’s what I wanted to know.  
  
If Dad hadn’t stopped me, who knows what I would have done. I envisioned wrapping my fingers around Reid’s shoulders, forcing him to go back in there and do what his pompous ass said he could do. He’d promised me. Was that what really hurt?  
  
In a daze, I mistakenly thought that finding Reid, demanding that he explain things, would make me feel better. Instead, I left his apartment feeling lower than I had since my last drink. The odd thing is that it had nothing to do with what Reid did or said. That would be a perfectly reasonable assumption, but no. The blame was all mine.   
  
An alarm went off inside my head when Reid answered that door. I should have listened and turned away. He had just stepped out of the shower. I didn’t dare look down at his wet chest or his slick, pink nipples, but I knew they were there. I could almost feel the velvety tips harden between my thumb and forefinger, like a phantom memory of something that had never happened before.   
  
It was just like me to charge in there, thinking I had the upper hand. I didn’t know I was in way over my head until I was drowning. Reid took it like a man while I jabbed my finger and spouted with a raised voice my theories of why he failed. I wanted to push his buttons, get under his skin so deep that I would find the truth and drag it out of him. I should have known that would backfire.  
  
Reid let me rant. He skillfully dodged my verbal swings, calmly waiting for me to tire myself out. I knew I was losing, running out of steam. I uttered the words I had been saving for the final blow. Lashing out blindly, I accused Reid of letting his feelings for me affect the care he gave to Noah. It was the direct hit I was aiming for, but I hadn’t counted on the fallout.   
  
He tried to shut me up, but I wouldn’t be stopped. Not until I had thoroughly mocked his perfection and flawlessness. As the words left my mouth, my stomach dropped and tears sprang to my eyes. I wanted truth and I got it. I wasn’t shattering Reid’s illusions but my own. I wholeheartedly believed that Reid could do everything he said, and to see him as a mere human being shook my world.  
  
But he was human and the look of hurt on his face was proof. That’s when Reid turned the tables on me, demanded some explanations of his own. Did I really think he would intentionally harm Noah? I wanted to say yes, but that was a lie. As he waited for my answer, his eyes softened and I lost all bravado.   
  
I needed to nip this line of questioning in the bud before it all got too confusing, too real. Reid wasn’t buying that I didn’t know his true intentions. He read me like a book and no matter how tightly I tried to close the cover, he was free to flip through my thoughts. Why couldn’t he see what really had me devastated?  
  
Before I could run, it all came tumbling out. Reid didn’t lie and I couldn’t hide my own truth any longer. He needed to know what was at stake. If Noah was never the same, what kind of man would I be if I walked away? Noah with permanent brain damage meant I couldn’t move on. Not with Reid, not with anyone.  
  
I was panting, my eyes burning with unshed tears. Reid inched closer. I should have stopped him, but we were magnetized, drawn. When we finally met, desire surged through me like it had always been there, dormant, waiting for Reid to wake it up. I needed him, or at least the feelings he was giving me, like I needed air.   
  
He didn’t taste sweet or even bitter, as Reid’s tongue might lead you to believe. There’s no way to describe it without using Reid as an adjective. The heat of his mouth is what I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forget, like it was the source of the fires of passion.  
  
We clung to one another as the waves of lust crashed over our heads. As much as my body wanted nothing more than to be swept away, survival instincts kicked in and my brain fought like hell. Letting go with Reid carried the risk of losing myself completely. If I couldn’t really have him, if Noah was still in danger, that was way too much to give.  
  
Flight was my only option. Reid tried to stop me by pointing out the obvious. Yes, I wanted every second of what happened between us and more. That was never the question, though I would never admit it to Reid. How could I have it while Noah’s future was so uncertain? I had to find the answer.  
  
I drove like a bat out of hell, my tires squealing in the parking lot. The reality of what I had almost done, what I had wanted to happen, chased me. When I punched my brakes at a four-way stop, it all caught up and gripped my stomach hard. I barely had time to pull over before all the coffee I had consumed made it’s way back up.  
  
Leaning my head back, I struggled for a deep breath. I found a bottle of water in the backseat and flushed my sour mouth. Relief washed over me for the briefest of moments before the panic set in. I licked at the roof of my mouth, my teeth, my lips. Tears struck me hard when I realized I couldn’t taste Reid anymore, that I might never taste him again.  
  
I couldn’t see Noah like that, so I came home to wash up and try to calm down. My eyes were no longer red and I had scrubbed the streaks from my cheeks, but I still couldn’t force myself to head to the hospital. That’s how I ended up here. I thought maybe writing it all down would give me some perspective. I’m pretty sure I know what I need to do.   
  
Each day, I will sit at Noah’s side and pray. He will again be my main focus. I refuse to rest until he is awake and well and on his way to being everything Noah Mayer has always wanted to be. I have to make this happen. I will clean up my mess.   
  
The next step will be the hardest. If it wasn’t absolutely necessary, I wouldn’t even attempt it. I have my doubts about following through, but I have to stay away from Reid.  
  
Luke smiled at his last statement. His doubts were correct. He didn’t make it an hour before he saw Reid again, and instead of running in the opposite direction, Luke was wanting more of the very man he had decided to deny.  
  
Hand trembling, Luke flipped the page. This was it. He would be faced with Reid’s opinion on thoughts Luke never intended for him to hear. He was still plenty angry at Reid for invading his privacy, but he couldn’t help but want to even the playing field. It’s not every day one gets to know what Reid Oliver was thinking.  
  
 **Is that really what it was like for you? So concerned about Noah’s happiness that the guilt of having some of your own made you physically ill? God, Luke. It was worse than I thought. I couldn’t live with myself if I knew I had ever made you feel like this. Thanks to you, I know a thing or two about love. What I just read? That isn’t it.**  
  
I wonder if you remember things differently now. Four years is a long time to reflect. Maybe it’s not as traumatic when you look back. I mean, that kiss was pretty hot. The day wasn’t all failures and Noah Mayer.   
  
Would you like to know what I remember? Hearing you knock as soon as I shut off the water in the shower. I hopped into my jeans (sans underwear, in case you were wondering) and barely zipped up before I answered the door. The second I saw your face, I knew something was about to change. Either one of us would perish in a no-holds-barred death match or I would spend a large chunk of my afternoon drilling you into my mattress. I knew which one I would choose, but you seemed to still be on the fence.  
  
It’s no surprise that I love it when we argue. Now that you know this little nugget, I think you pick fights on purpose and I thank you for it. Back then, you only knew how it affected you. I spotted the physiological signs immediately. The heavy breathing, the dilated pupils. Yes, during our verbal sparring, you slid off that fence and made a choice. I may have been presumptive about the manner in which it would happen (Why didn’t we have sex that day?), but I was right about the shift between us.  
  
I don’t know the exact moment I fell in love with you, but I remember when I first saw the edge of the cliff. There was such pain in your eyes and your voice was so small when you asked me how this situation with Noah had happened. My chest ached for you and I knew I was in deep shit.  
  
You described the war between your body and mind. I’m here to tell you that was not the only battle raging. My head and heart were also at odds. You looked soft and warm and you kept licking those enticing fucking lips of yours. I was so hard for you I thought the seams on my jeans might pop. My head was on board with what my body had planned. My heart knew it wouldn’t be that simple.  
  
I could feed you a line about how I longed to comfort you, but the truth is, you were so hot I was hoping we could console each other with blow jobs, at the very least. Spare me the eye roll. You were just beginning to crack my tough outer shell at this point. I was still a horny gay man. I saw the tiniest of nods from you. That was all I needed.  
  
With that first kiss, my head began to gloat. You slid your tongue in my mouth and it was all systems go. I fantasized of feeling you pliant beneath me, schooling you on what you had surely been missing in the bed you shared with Noah. I haven’t been jealous of him in a long time, but when we first began, that feeling had a strong presence. It drove me to prove who the better man was for you. Unbuttoning your shirt in my living room felt like I was finally getting my opportunity.  
  
You pulled away and my heart didn’t waste any time saying ‘I told you so.’ I tried to convince you we weren’t doing anything wrong. It was only sex. How was I supposed to know that you had never used ‘only’ and ‘sex’ in a sentence together?  
  
I didn’t want you to leave before you admitted something was brewing between us. That was for your benefit. Call it cocky, but I already knew. The body doesn’t lie. The heart, however, can be easily fooled. I had to get you thinking about me, about us, as a viable alternative to the abusive merry-go-round you were stuck on.   
  
When you walked out my door, I started to understand what you had been trying to say. My head began to piece together all your half sentences. It hit me that if Noah could make it through, we stood a chance. I put on my shoes and headed for the hospital, no longer caring that I was exhausted or that Bob would probably give me a lecture for returning so soon. I had a job to do.  
  
You were in every thought I had that day. My head went to work, spurred on by hopes of instant gratification when Mr. Mayer opened his eyes and was as fully functional as he was before. My heart was ahead of the game. It instinctively knew I had months of indecision ahead, but that if I had a little patience, I would get everything I never knew I wanted. You taught me that patience is a good quality to have. I’m asking you to have some of your own.  
  
“Wow.” Luke breathed. This had to have been recent. Reid didn’t have to spell it out for Luke to know he was talking about the whole marriage issue. He could admit that he may have come across as pushy. And yes, there was a part of Luke that did expect them to march down the aisle as soon as it was signed into law that they could. They had been together for longer than almost every couple in town. That meant something.  
  
He didn’t want to get upset about this now. Reid loved him. He wouldn’t have done this for Luke if he didn’t. Luke took a deep breath and continued reading.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Two  
  
 _May 20th 2010  
  
I didn’t go looking for Reid. When I left the hospital, I wanted to drive. At least in my car, my thoughts were my own and I didn’t have to share them. Not until I figured a few things out.  
  
Noah had me so confused. Since he woke up from surgery, every conversation sounded like him pleading his case, like he wanted me to understand why he pushed me away. Noah had given me every indication that he wanted to try again, give our relationship another shot. Now that he has his sight back, he’d say, everything can go back to normal.  
So, why did Noah change his tune after the headache? I was finally beginning to believe that maybe he was right. Our history meant something and I knew Noah loved me in his way. Did he think he was being noble by releasing me, like I’d feel better now that he’d given me his blessing to move on?   
  
What happened this time for him to keep me at arm’s length? Maybe I resisted too long. Maybe Reid said something to him. Maybe he doesn’t like my cologne. I was coming to the realization that I didn’t know what Noah thought anymore.  
  
After Noah kicked me out of his hospital room, I didn’t know where to go. The farm had too many people. The park had the pond and the all-consuming fear I felt there just an hour ago, so I kept driving. That’s when I saw Reid’s car. Without thinking, I pulled into the spot right next to his.  
  
Reid sat on a stool looking as alone as the sole inhabitant of a deserted island. He was searching for solace in the bottom of a bottle. I could relate to that. Even though I tried to fight it and to any outsider we seemed to be on opposite ends of the spectrum, I related to Reid.  
  
He wasn’t happy to see me. Reid rarely was these days. I could see the look of dread on his face whenever he saw me approaching. I missed the days when Reid’s eyes would light up because he knew we were about to clash. Not even our arguments were fun anymore. I knew it all came down to my indecision, but I was as sad for myself as I was for him.  
  
After awkward talk of what exactly it was I was doing there and hints of my alcohol issues, Reid finally cut to the chase. He did that so well. He wasn’t interested in softening blows. If pain was coming, Reid stood tall and dared the world to bring it on. So, he asked as he braced for the answer, didn’t I want to stay with Noah?  
  
My response wasn’t really an answer at all. Did I want to stay with Noah? Was I capable of letting go? Why did I feel like a monkey in a tree, waiting for the situation with Reid to be more secure before I took the leap? I didn’t know, so I told Reid what drove me away from the hospital. Noah didn’t want me to stay.  
  
Was Reid as disappointed by that as I was? He should be. I still let Noah dictate our relationship, just as Reid had pointed out a month ago and nothing had changed. I told Reid that Noah was confused about his feelings for me. I gave the appearance that I was okay to twist in the wind until he figured it out.  
  
Reid never failed to surprise me. Instead of the expected ridicule, more talk of how I should be sick of such treatment, he just spit it out. “I’m not.” So short, so simple and so true. Reid didn’t falter when his eyes met mine. They were clear blue and certain, and then, they were gone.  
  
With no more warning than the time it took to throw some bills on the bar and a muttered “I can’t do this”, Reid left me with my mouth hanging open. He also left me with one prevailing thought. Reid said he couldn’t do this, but he could. In fact, he had. Was he really saying that he wouldn’t do this, not any longer?   
  
Panic began to tingle in my spine and my surroundings became loud and vibrant. A slow, mournful song droned on the jukebox, drowning out the clink of ice on glass. The smell of whiskey was so thick in the air I could taste it. Landmines of temptation were all around. I realized I was in the wrong place for my state of mind. Being near Reid had masked that, but now he was gone and I needed, for my sake, to follow.  
  
So there I sat, steering wheel gripped tightly in my left hand as I gnawed at the fingernails on my right, searching for the courage to find Reid. It wasn’t fair and it probably wasn’t smart, but things were so much simpler when he was around. I have never denied being selfish in that way and I didn’t even let it bother me as I turned my key in the ignition and headed to Reid’s apartment._  
  
Luke flipped the page only to find the next day’s entry. He licked his finger and rubbed hard at the corner of the paper. That was all he had written. He nodded, remembering how Ethan had burst into his room in tears over a nightmare at that moment. It was very hard to write with a five year old curled on your chest.  
  
Even though he didn’t have a chance to write it down, Luke knew what happened next. He settled back against his pillows and closed his eyes. Luke could picture it all very clearly.  
  
 __ **“What are you doing here, Mr. Snyder?”  
  
Luke bounced anxiously on his toes with his hands jammed in his pockets. “What did you mean?”  
  
“Did you drink a gallon of Red Bull?” Reid pulled a face, his eyebrow arched high as he took a swig of his beer. “Why are you shaking?”  
  
With a little more force, Luke repeated his question. “What did you mean?”  
  
“I am still speaking English, correct?” Reid’s chin jutted forward, his speech extremely slow. “What. Are you. Doing here?”  
  
“You can’t do ‘this’.” Luke pushed past Reid and turned in a small, uncertain circle. “This is what, exactly?”   
  
“This is an invasion of my privacy. What the hell is with you? First, you run me out of Yo’s and now, you’ve invited yourself into my home.”  
  
“I didn’t run you out of the bar. You said you can’t do ‘this’ and you bolted.” Luke sounded indignant, even to himself.  
  
Reid shrugged, his beer sloshing in its green bottle. “Luke, I-“  
  
“I like spending time with you.” Luke’s eyes went wide. He was surprised at his own honesty. “I don’t think so much when we’re together. It’s just you and me getting to know more about each other. That’s what I think ‘this’ is. Do you really not want to do that anymore?”  
  
“Luke, I-“  
  
“Because I do.”  
  
“Are you going to let me speak?”  
  
A blush rose to Luke’s cheeks. “Sorry.”  
  
Reid curled his lips inward and took a deep breath. “I suppose it wouldn’t kill me…” He paused, enjoying Luke’s pleading eyes as he waited. “The next time our paths cross when we’re out, I’ll buy you a club soda.”  
  
The air from Luke’s lung rushed out in a relieved chuckle. “Sounds good.”  
  
“Great, but as you can see, I’m in.” Reid gestured toward the door. “You were just leaving.”  
  
“Right. Yeah.” Luke nodded, his steps stuttering as he neared Reid. Should Luke hug him, fist bump, shove him against the wall for a make-out session? He opted for the embarrassingly awkward smile. “See you around.”**  
  
“I should have kissed him.” Luke often felt that way when he looked back at his beginning with Reid. If they had spent more time kissing, they would have saved themselves months of heartache. Luke unfolded Reid’s note, wondering if he felt the same way.  
  
 **What? Nothing about your pit stop by my apartment? Let me guess. There was a manicure emergency in the Walsh-Snyder household this evening. Something that required the attention of the whole family. It’s not like you to leave a phrase or stolen glance unanalyzed, so it had to be something big.**  
  
That’s okay. I could never forget it. I went to Yo’s that afternoon with the intention of using alcohol to kill every brain cell that held a memory of you. It’s not like I hadn’t seen that dedication before, your undying devotion to Mr. Mayer. Maybe it was just the mood I was in, but I had lost all hope and patience with your latest display. The only thing I wanted to do was erase you.  
  
I don’t have to tell you how well that really works. Alcohol is never the answer, not for my problems. Instead of drinking you off my mind, I conjured you out of thin air. I may not have been happy to see you, but I was far from shocked. It was the last thing I thought I needed. Of course, you would show up.  
  
So, yes, I ran. Are you happy now? Sweet, innocent, cute as a box of kittens Luke Snyder sent me running for the hills. I went home, grabbed a beer from the fridge and felt like I had done the right thing putting some space between us. You had other ideas.  
  
I find your persistence endearing, but that hasn’t always been the case. Our situation may have had a very different outcome if I had my way. You wouldn’t let me have ten minutes of peace to try and think of something other than you, so my way never really got a fair shot. Seeing how things have turned out for us, I show more gratitude for your tenacity now.  
  
Here’s one thing you need to know. Even if you hadn’t shown up, even if you hadn’t told me what you wanted, my feelings wouldn’t have changed. I loved you then as I love you today, with as much of myself as I can give. Is it everything you deserve? No. That gives me something to strive for. My love isn’t perfect, but it has never wavered. I will be there for you as long as you continue to want me. Probably even longer than that.  



	4. Chapter 4

Luke’s body jerked, startled by the jiggling of the handle. “Luke, why is the door locked? Are you okay?”  
  
“I’m fine, Mom.” Luke clutched the journal to his chest, protecting it like Lily had x-ray vision to see through the wall.   
  
“I was going to make tea. Would you like some?”  
  
Wanting to get back to his reading, Luke was a tad shorter with his mother than he had intended. “Maybe later.”  
  
“Luke, I feel strange having this conversation. Will you please open the door?”  
  
Granted, Lily probably was uncomfortable, but Luke resented the fact that he couldn’t have a few moments to himself. He felt exactly like he did when he smuggled his first copy of _Inches_ up to his room and sat in this very spot, admiring just how many inches one magazine could fit on its pages. His reading material was much more personal these days. “I’ll be down later.”  
  
 _June 3rd, 2010_  
  
What was I thinking? Maybe I wasn’t. Reid does that to me. I hadn’t set out to invite him to my house. That’s not why I went to the hospital, but seeing him again, realizing how much I missed him, scrambled my brain. I saw him hunched over the small table in the doctors’ lounge, shoveling that brown goop into his mouth and I couldn’t bear it. If anyone deserved a home cooked meal and someone to share it with, it was Reid.   
  
He declined, and I learned you can feel relieved and disappointed at the same time. I knew it was a stupid idea as soon as the words left my mouth, but it still stung that he said no. I had been hoping that he felt my absence as much as I felt the weight of his, but since he was so quick to decline, I guess not. It would have been for the best, Reid not showing up today. Knowing that and being as mad and frustrated as I am right now, there is still a part of me that was happy to see him. I’m aware of how messed up that sounds.   
  
It would be easy to say that Reid put me in this mood, but that’s not fair. Since I couldn’t stop replaying this afternoon in my head, I decided to take a second look at the events and I figured out whom I was really mad at. I surprised myself with an honest answer. Noah.   
  
He meant it when he said he didn’t need me, but apparently, Noah feels differently about my family. Mom had a little chat with me after everyone left. She was heartbroken over his sad face and how he struggled to say goodbye. It hit me then that Noah didn’t mind playing the victim, he just never wanted me to be the one to save him.   
  
I can’t believe he got so pissed off that I had invited Reid and not him. Three days ago, he acted like he couldn’t stand being in the same room with me. I thought that included social events. I guess Noah expected me to read deeper between the lines. In his mind, it was clearly my fault when that didn’t happen. When he stormed out of my room, I bet he thought he knew what I was going to do. My first instinct was to chase him. The fact that Reid knew that about me was the only reason I didn’t go.   
  
Why does Reid have to push me? Yes, it was an awkward beginning, but if I could brush it off, he could at least make an attempt. True to his nature, he started in with “Noah’s family” and “where you’ve, no doubt, made love countless times.” Don’t think that sentence hasn’t played in my mind a thousand times tonight. God, Reid’s just so damn infuriating.   
  
The good doctor, for being a genius, is never wise enough to take the out. He starts in on his defensive crap and I call him on it. Any normal human being would take the opportunity to drop the act and open up. Reid? Hell, no. Instead of telling me what he’s feeling, he pokes my wounds with a stick and has the audacity to ask me if they’re tender.   
  
I’m beginning to think that Reid hasn’t given a moment’s thought to what I’ve been going through. Is it really so hard to understand that a three year relationship takes more than a day to get over? Reid acts so certain that it should be. What he doesn’t get is that I need to be over Noah for us to even have a shot. I don’t know how to make him see that without telling him outright. Given the views he shared this afternoon on love and relationships, I think we might have different ideas about the direction we are heading. I’m in no rush to make a fool of myself.   
  
Question is, do I believe him? Should I listen to him when he chuckles about mixed Cds or remember how I actually felt the temperature change when Reid turned cold and shut me out? Do I take Reid’s mockery at face value or do I pay attention to the look on his face when he left my room? I’ve seen that look of hurt in his eyes before. I’m ashamed that I didn’t go after him, but I hadn’t thought about what he might be going through until now. Why is it that I learn more about Reid through our misunderstandings than I know about most people just by asking?  
  
Oddly enough, reading this made Luke angry all over again. Early on, Reid had been so guarded. Any time Luke would try to move past that, see beyond the walls, Reid would turn antagonistic. It had bothered Luke then, and apparently, it still did. Luke couldn’t wait to see his reasoning.  
  
 **When you considered what that afternoon was like for me, what did you see? Was that mile you walked in my shoes a leisurely stroll or did you fall into all the perilous traps that blocked my path? Let’s compare notes.**  
  
I don’t know what I expected when I showed up at your house. I rightly assumed there would be tension, but I thought it would come from jabs traded with your mother over my lack of table manners or advanced age. Oh, if only I could have been so lucky.  
  
Instead, I found Noah. He towered over me with his pissy attitude and sense of entitlement, but the real kick to the gut was that you asked him to stay. You wanted him there. When he stormed out, I could tell you were thinking about following him. After wisely staying put, you asked me to understand.  
  
I understood more than I wanted to that day. Seeing you together, that look of longing in your eyes. What was it that you wanted so badly? To be with Noah or to be okay without him? It’s too unsettling for me to wager a guess.  
  
All’s well that ends well, they say. Our love was fated, written in the stars. (Look at how you’ve changed me. Reid Oliver circa 2010 would have laughed that notion out of town.) Anyway, I won your heart and gave Noah the proverbial finger. So why does this brief moment in our history threaten the balance of my delicate digestive system even now? Because Noah wasn’t the only one who was blind.  
  
Butterflies were once caterpillars. Everyone knows this, but unless you watched the Chrysalis, you don’t look at the butterfly as ever being anything else, once having a different shape entirely. While the Luke and Noah that I had been witness to had no resemblance to a butterfly, I hadn’t spent much time pondering what you looked like before.   
  
Walking in on you two, at the scene of the crime, busted my rose-colored glasses with one swift punch. Try as I might, standing there struggling to breathe, it was undeniable that you were once the type of couple to pose for smiling pictures, arms affectionately draped over each other’s shoulders. He had kissed your lips, touched you everywhere in that very space. Noah was the first for you in so many ways. That’s a tough act to follow. The memories of you two swirling around me were so thick, I was choking on them.  
  
I had no other choice. I had to get as far away as possible and I couldn’t go of my own free will. How could I let you think that I was bothered? Feeling the greatest distance between us since I had kissed you in Dallas, that was much more than I was willing to reveal. You needed to kick me out. I knew all the important buttons to push.  
  
When I left your room, it was because things went exactly as I had orchestrated. With the exception of how you brought me to Oakdale, you have never tricked or forced me into anything. I don’t say this to knock you down or steal your thunder if you believe you have. The same could be said of me. You are much too smart to let me use my powers of sexual persuasion to push you into seeing things my way.   
  
It’s important that you understand that I have never done anything that I didn’t want to do. As persuasive as you can be, Mr. Snyder, you are incapable of strong-arming me. That pertains to our current situation, as well.  



	5. Chapter 5

“Son?”  
  
Luke quirked his eyebrow. Had Lily really called Holden? “Dad?”  
  
“Mind if I come in?”  
  
Yeah, he kinda did. “I’m good. I’ll be down when I’m done.”  
  
“If you need anything-“  
  
“I don’t” Luke said with certainty and opened the journal to the next date.  
  
 _June 9th, 2010_  
  
This might be wildly optimistic, but I think Reid and I have turned a corner. He asked me today if things were really over between Noah and me. I am glad to report that, after the display of force at the Lakeview, I see now that they are. Noah has changed or maybe the way I see him has. Either way, there’s no turning back. We can only move on, hopefully as friends. Something in Noah’s eyes when I found him later in Olde Town tells me that might be harder than I thought.  
  
I should have known Noah was up to something. He was too reluctant when I approached him in Java to have such an about face without motive. I was actually impressed when he showed up and had all those glowing things to say about Memorial. There was even a fleeting moment when I thought of inviting him to dinner as a thank you. It almost didn’t register when his fist connected with Reid’s nose.   
  
For his health, Reid has got to consider getting hit less. I wonder if it was like this for him before or only since he met me. Even when we weren’t anything but adversaries, I felt protective of Reid when Mr. Judd tried to beat the crap out of him. He does wear a bruise well, though. That’s an awful thing to think, but it’s almost like his outsides finally match the inside. It’s incredibly sexy.  
  
His eyes went wide for just a second when Noah’s fist connected, but that glimpse into Reid was tantalizing. So much is hidden beneath those blue depths and I had only scratched the surface. The idea of diving in both terrified and exhilarated me. My chin actually dropped and I had to pant for breath.  
  
Noah was gone by the time I thought to look for him. More than anything, I wanted to make sure he wasn’t waiting for Reid to turn the corner and slug him again. It didn’t surprise me that Reid took this lump like all the rest he had suffered, with a grumble and a shrug. That was a risk he had accepted long ago for being so incredible. He even made me push a little to get him to the hospital, but he went because I wanted him to.  
  
I nervously waited as he carefully examined the sharp line of his nose. I think I was holding my breath. It made my stomach ache waiting for Reid to give the all clear. Reid bruised, I can handle. Reid broken was more than I could take.  
  
The relief that Reid was cracking jokes may have lowered my guard because when he said he ‘fell for a guy’, my chest flooded with a warmth that kept my lungs from expanding. I didn’t know what to say. I cringed when I made some crack about liking my men tough. Hearing that back in my head, I’m not sure Reid understood I was talking about him. Noah was not the tough one in my eyes. Only a real coward would sucker punch a man who gave him his life back.  
  
My heart flutters when I think about Reid’s face, so uncertain asking me what I was going to do with him now. What did he want me to say? Because I would tell him anything if he would just kiss me again. It seemed like far too long since he had kissed me.  
  
The last time was at my mother’s house. He told me then that I knew the important parts of Reid Oliver. He was right, of course, and two things that I had unearthed shocked me. The first being the fact that this strikingly handsome man, so accomplished and intelligent, appears to be interested in me, the college drop-out with a drinking problem. The second is his unfounded insecurity when it comes to Noah. They can’t be compared to one another. It doesn’t seem like it all the time, but this situation involving the three of us is not a competition. My chest tightens because the look in Reid’s eye says he’s terrified to lose. When he asks me if it’s over, I hope I convey with my eyes that the answer is yes. He won.  
  
I melt every time he cups my cheek. It’s unbelievably tender, something that seems so rare from Reid. He could be gentle with Katie, even Jacob when no one was looking, but this level of care felt like it was just for me. As he moved closer, my heart skipped and an erotic charge passed through me. I didn’t know that making out with a doctor in a hospital room was a fantasy of mine, but it did it for me. I was so turned on that I felt the heat radiating from every pore of my skin. I was so focused on the soft whisper of Reid’s breath against my face, the feather-light feel of his lips on mine that the noise of someone disturbing our intimate moment jarred me. I must have jumped back a foot.  
  
Bob didn’t act too surprised about what he walked in on. He’s a pretty wise guy. I’m sure he figured that the punch had something to do with me. We had been busted and my embarrassment rose to my cheeks. Reid kept his eyes down, but that did little to hide his annoyance. I left them to their business, but I really hope Reid calls me later. I’d love to know what they discussed. I should probably get to bed. We’ve got the hospital tour with Mona tomorrow. I’ll just talk to Reid then.  
  
Luke was trying to see some pattern in the memories Reid was revisiting. If there was one, he hadn’t found it yet. The distraction of his parents clucking and pacing nervously in front of the door did nothing for his concentration. “Guys, honestly, everything is fine.”  
  
“Honey,” Lily tucked a strand of hair behind her ear and leaned closer to the closet. “could you please open the door?”  
  
He hadn’t wanted to worry them. Luke needed privacy, not for his family to be freaked out. He twisted the knob and sat back with a thud. “See? I’m okay.”  
  
Holden stepped forward. “What are you reading, son?”  
  
Luke felt a small smile he couldn’t hold back and shook his head. “It’s a mystery.”  
  
 **Ah, the infamous punch heard around Oakdale. Where to begin? Let me start by saying, you looked so damn hot that day. You threw me so far off my game when you walked into the Lakeview. You know now how hard it is for me to resist twisting my fingers in your bed head, but I wonder if you knew it then. I liked to think so.**  
  
I didn’t realize my chin could drop much further. Noah just had to prove me wrong. Looking back, I think I sensed the punch as soon as he walked through the door. The way his eyes would dart between the two of us, well, nothing good comes from a look like that. Oddly enough, I relaxed when he gave my surgical skills their much-deserved due. He shook Bob’s hand and, for a moment, I thought Noah at least had enough respect for Bob to not make a scene. I gave him too much credit for being an actual adult.   
  
When you and I talk about Noah, it dissolves into a fight. Admittedly, that isn’t always a bad thing, but there is nothing sexy about these arguments. They’re all pain and doubt, so, I learned to keep my mouth shut. In this chosen medium, you don’t have the luxury of interrupting me and there is something I want to get off my chest. Noah Mayer is, and always has been, an idiotic, self-pitying motherfucker. I’ve never met anyone so certain that life owes him something. There, I said it. Feel free to start the song and dance about how misunderstood he is the next time you see me, but I wanted to let you know. There are times when I still don’t believe you see that.  
  
You said that I looked shocked. I’m sure that I was, but what I remember was your face. You went a bit pale on me, making the bright red of your lips stand out prominently. Worry doesn’t look right on you. Such beautiful features were meant for happier expressions. My nose throbbed a little less when I made you smile. The fact that you have always had the ability to affect my brain’s interpretation of physical pain is frightening. If something is broken or bruised, it should hurt. Around you, well, I just don’t seem to care as much. I was feeling pretty damn good by the time our lips were close enough to touch.  
  
In those early days, I kept track of who kissed whom. Sounds childish, but you gave me very little to go on, what with the guilt and the blushing virgin act. I was surviving on the crumbs you threw me and we both know my boundless love of nourishment. I was counting. This was the first kiss that was equally ‘us’.  
  
You know that even on days I can’t bring myself to say that I like Bob; I can generally admit that I respect him. That afternoon, and for several days after, I downright loathed him. I didn’t know that I loved you yet. I had my suspicions, but I was busy trying to find ways to disprove them. I convinced myself that I was angry over being told what to do. We both know that was never really the case.  
  
It wasn’t easy, finally deciding to give up my position at Memorial. Thank you for helping me get it back. I’m not sure I truly expressed how much that meant to me. If people thought I was hard to deal with while elbow deep in brain matter, I would have been completely unbearable without my work. You saved my face from greater damage. Of that, I have no doubt.  
  
One thing was solidified for me through all this, though. I knew that the solution to any problem could never be leaving you. The choice would be much simpler if the ultimatum was posed to me today. A life without you is inconceivable. I love you, Luke. More than brains or sandwiches or making nurses cry. It irks the hell out of me to hear you question that. You should know by now that whatever it takes to make you happy and keep you by my side, it’s as good as done. 


	6. Chapter 6

Luke needed a break. Stretching his legs and giving his butt a rest from the hard closet floor sounded like a good idea. Holden had gone back to the farm and, judging from how quiet it was in the house, he had taken the kids with him. Luke found Lily in the kitchen, a cup of tea steaming on the table beside her and a list in front of her that she was feverishly making checks on.  
  
“Oh, Luke.” Lily sprang from her seat, grabbing another mug from the cabinet. “Would you like some tea?”  
  
“Sure.” Luke took the chair next to Lily’s and slid her list over for his inspection. It was for the wedding. In just a few days, Lily would be Mrs. Louis Boulanger. “Mom, can I ask you something?”  
  
“Anything, sweetheart.”  
  
Luke bit his lip. He needed to choose his words carefully with his mother. “Do you think you could have been happy if you didn’t get married?”  
  
The cup in Lily’s hand clatter on the counter and her brow twisted in confusion. “Never married? I don’t understand.”  
  
“No, not never, I guess.” Luke should have been more prepared before letting that question out in the atmosphere. “Did you ever have a relationship that was great and so close to perfect and then, you got married and it all fell apart?”  
  
“Luke, honey,” Lily placed her hand on Luke’s shoulder. “what is this really about?”  
  
Scratching the back of his head, Luke sighed. “I always pictured myself getting married or committed. Some celebration of love with my family and freinds.”  
  
“Reid is committed to you.” Lily sat down slowly, letting her hand slip down Luke’s arm. “I was the last person in Oakdale to see it, but it’s obvious. You’ll get married if and when you both feel it’s time.”  
  
“But if I’m the only one feeling it?“  
  
“You’re not, Luke. Give him time.”  
  
 _August 17th, 2010_  
  
I owe Reid big time. Even as our date progressed, I still doubted him. The odd thing is that he’s never given me a reason. Being suspicious has never been my first instinct, so, why with Reid? The answer is sex.  
  
There is still a part of me, a huge part, that doesn’t understand what Reid sees in me. With all his experience, he must look at me like a little kid. I’ve never really been on my own. I’ve had exactly one lover. Reid’s made it clear that he’s not after my money. He makes a good living all on his own. Without sex, what is it that I have to offer?  
  
Maybe that’s why I freaked when Noah told me he saw Reid at the Lakeview. He kept talking, adding more of that director detail, but I tuned him out after the word elevator. My imagination filled in the rest of the scenario. I pictured Reid holding open the door to a room, the Bridal Suite perhaps, some handsome drug rep stepping inside. Reid would take the man’s tie in his hand, pull him close and kiss him. Kiss him like he kissed me, with force and desire and no questions about where he wanted that kiss to lead. It still makes me want to throw up even though I know it’s not true.  
  
Why wouldn’t he do that? Reid could find a guy, too easily for my liking, who wouldn’t dream of waiting. Yet, there he was, still requesting my presence at his side. Even after he had to talk me down, Reid didn’t punish me by walking away. We came to an understanding and moved on. I was still worried about it at Metro, though. I couldn’t comprehend that he had actually let it go. Before Reid, I had never met anyone who could do that.  
  
God, I was so proud of the way he handled himself with those trustees. Reid sounded so sure and confident. It was sexy as hell watching him command the attention of every person in that room.  
  
When Reid unexpectedly came to Chris’ rescue, my senses started tingling again. I couldn’t figure out why Reid would do that and I immediately thought the worst. I confronted him and it became clear how much trust he has in me. Reid had been keeping a horrible secret from people who actually mattered to him. He chose to share that secret with me.  
  
Reid credited me with the recent changes in him. I was a little surprised that he wasn’t angry with me. From the moment we met, I would have bet a hundred bucks that the last person on earth who felt he needed improvements was Reid Oliver. I’m beginning to come around to his way of thinking. See, Reid has always been these things. It just took me awhile to uncover it.  
  
After walking me to my door, Reid and I hung out on the patio. He was pretty sure Chris would be with Katie and was in no hurry to head home. We could have gone inside, but we risked being dragged into whatever game the kids were playing. After I caught Natalie with her nose pressed to the glass, we decided to look at the stars from the darkness of the backyard.  
  
He was leaning back on the grass, his skin glowing in the bright light of the moon. I had never seen anything so beautiful. Some people might be able to resist Reid, but I’m not that strong.  
  
Once, Reid said he wanted to be alone with me. It struck me as odd at the time. Reid didn’t seem like one for euphemisms. If he wanted to have sex, why didn’t he say that? But, laying Reid back in the grass and caressing his tongue with mine, I understood the distinction.  
  
Alone, I could nuzzle the soft skin on the inside of his thighs. If we were alone, the ticklish spot under Reid’s ribs would be mine to torture, the dimples above his ass that I could feel through his shirt available to my lips. Being together, away from prying eyes, was an experience in itself. In this moment, I would have given anything to be alone with Reid.  
  
I don’t think Reid wanted to leave any more than I wanted him to, but he had surgery in the morning. One last kiss and I watched his lights back down the drive. As I was getting undressed for bed, it hit me. I trust Reid and he trusts me. If only I could trust myself not to screw this up and be what Reid deserves, we could really go places.  
  
Luke had moved to his bed, feeling certain that his family would give him the privacy he had requested and locked closet doors were no longer required. His shoes lay by the side of the bed and pillows were stacked behind his back. He only had one marked page left before he reached the end. What did Reid have in store?  
  
Pulling his phone from his pocket, Luke’s thumb glided over the screen. He tapped out a quick text to Reid. _Finally cleaning my closet. You can get off my back now._ He kept to himself the fact that he was already deep into the journal. Reid could sweat it out, wondering if Luke would discover it.  
  
 **Would you like to know what I remember from this day? Almost nothing. Don’t take it personally. I was so consumed with Chris and his idiocy that those few weeks of lies and sneaking around were all about the cover-up. He’s lucky he survived. Once I took over as Chief, I gave serious consideration to firing him. Katie falling head over heels for the imbecile was the only thing that saved his job. If she ever comes to her senses, he’s as good as gone.**  
  
I do, however, remember being on the receiving end of my first (but certainly not last) Luke Snyder Bitch Face. It’s frightening and so unbelievably sexy, I almost can’t wait to see it again. Had I not been so far behind about why you were mad at me in the first place, I would have told you so. You didn’t know it, but with one face, you let me know that you were a force to be reckoned with. I haven’t forgotten.  
  
While that memory sticks out, I chose this day not because I had some gap to fill in, but because you touched on something very important. Before I forget, I do have a small addition to your entry. This was the first night we had a little below the belt action. (I did say you touched on something important.) It was just a bit of over-the-pants rubbing, but I was pretty close to coming when your mom came out to advise us of the time. Ah, Lily. Always so helpful.  
  
In all seriousness, you focused on trust. You had issues trusting in yourself (which I’ve tried hard to address in our time together), but you make it sound as if it was so easy for me to put my faith in you. I’ll have you know that coming to that decision took a few sleepless nights. I had never had the luxury of relying on anyone. Don’t brush aside how monumental it was that I took that chance with you.  
  
There are things that I know now as fact, not just wishful thinking. I trust that even when I screw up (a certain streak of forgotten birthdays and anniversaries comes to mind), you love me anyway. When I threaten to fire an entire nursing staff because I can no longer listen to them cry, it’s always you who talks me down from the ledge. Dealing with me hasn’t been easy, but you do it. You’re amazing like that. I have never doubted my decision to trust you, and you have yet to let me down.  
  
Some days, especially recently, I can see you questioning. Did you do the right thing, betting all you have on an underdog? I haven’t exactly been the odds on favorite when it comes to love. I’m unsentimental. I work too much. My first instinct is to go cold and hide when things get hard. Luke, I won’t lie. You bet on a long shot.  
All that I ask is that you keep this in mind. Long shots have the greatest return. Put your trust in me, all of it, and I’ll make you the richest man we know. (Yes, you already are the richest man we know, but there is more to life than money, Mr. Snyder.) My love for you is limitless. Have a little faith that I will prove that to you.


	7. Chapter 7

Luke sighed deeply as he thought about what Reid was saying and he was right. Trust was not something Luke had an abundance of these days. He had far too many run-ins with Reid’s stubborn streak to believe he would ever change his mind. Luke had always known, from the very beginning, that a marriage to Reid was a pipe dream. Or had he?  
  
 _September 2nd, 2010  
  
I love you. Simple enough. People don’t call them ‘three little words’ for nothing. That’s all they are until they aren’t. They aren’t little or simple. You lay yourself bare when you finally speak them and today, well, we were naked.  
  
It slipped. I am too much of a romantic to have planned to tell Reid I love him in a coffee shop. True, I did picture that it might happen after an argument, but one of the flirty kinds. ‘Love’ wormed its way right past my frustration and better judgment. I heard myself say it, but I didn’t think Reid was listening. He wasn’t absorbing anything else I had to say. Why would this be different?  
  
Of course, this was different. I only made it a few feet out of Java before Reid stopped me. I turned around and the moment I saw his smile, I knew he felt the same way. He looked at me with that hint of a devilish grin like he had won some sort of contest to see which of us could hold out the longest, but I didn’t really care. If Reid didn’t love me, he would have ignored my declaration altogether. Instead, he tracked me down in the hopes of hearing it again.  
  
I admit I tried to coax it out of him then. Some (enormous) part of me wanted the security of knowing I wasn’t in love alone. He stuttered, eyes darting from the table to my face as though he was uncomfortable with either option. It hit me just how big it would be for Reid to say he loved me too. I bet he’s never said that to another person in his adult life. That has to be pretty scary. I could wait to hear those words from Reid because I knew it would be amazing when he opened up. I was right.  
  
The day was crazy, even for Oakdale. Chris was knocking at Death’s door before his family even knew he was sick. Reid, cold brain surgeon extraordinaire, was elbow deep in matters of the heart. He handled it like a champ. In an incredibly heroic move, Reid didn’t wait like the rest of them for fate to drop a heart in Chris’ lap. He was going to drive to Bay City and take it.   
  
I followed him to the parking lot with every intention of talking him out of it. I didn’t see why it had to be Reid. Surely, if John Dixon’s name didn’t put a little shock and awe in this surgeon, what were the odds that Reid could make him budge? I could tell that I wasn’t going to win the argument. Reid was as determined as I had ever seen him. That cardiologist didn’t stand a chance.  
  
Just as I was about to wish him luck, Reid stopped. Keys in his hand, he had to let me know before he drove away. When he said it, I love you, he sounded so sure. No maybes or sometimes implied. Reid opened his heart without strings or doubts. His love was as solid as fact and it was all mine.  
  
He kissed me then to seal the deal. I know that it wasn’t appropriate to have these thoughts with Chris’ life hanging in the balance, but if time had allowed, I would have asked Reid to take me to a bed. I wasn’t even picky about whether it was his or mine. I was so full of joy at that moment, I couldn’t think of anything but expressing it physically. We had waited long enough.  
  
The wait continues. After his triumphant return, Reid wasn’t even done accepting gratitude when his pager went off. There had been a nasty pile-up on the highway and four neuro cases were headed to Memorial. Reid had time for one knee-weakening kiss and he was gone. My boyfriend, the hero.   
  
So, here I am, in my big bed all alone and I still have a smile on my face. I would prefer to be wrapped in Reid’s arms, but he gave me something to hold on to in his absence. He loves me and he even has me believing that nothing will change that.  
  
I’ll probably say this a thousand more times in my head before I can fall asleep, but I can’t stop. Reid loves me! It’s incredible and what’s more amazing is how permanent it feels. I look at Reid and I see a home and a dog and, someday, two simple platinum bands. I don’t know if we’ll ever be dads, but I like the idea of a little girl with curls just like Reid’s or a boy with brown eyes and my pout. If I look hard enough, I can see them too._  
  
Luke wiped his nose with the back of his hand. Now, he remember. He remembered why being Reid’s boyfriend was good, but may never be good enough. Marriage, to Luke, wasn’t matching rings and a certificate confirming it exists. It was family, a network of people that held strong when you needed someone to lean on. His family wasn’t perfect, but they did their best to value one another. Luke wanted that for Reid.  
  
His stomach flipped as he turned the note over in his hands. Last one. Luke hadn’t let his hopes get too high. Reid could be coming around to Luke’s way of thinking or he could have been providing Luke with all the reasons they are perfect as they are and marriage wasn’t necessary. Reid’s final thoughts would be the clincher.  
  
 **I came very near to ruining my perfect GPA once. Did I ever tell you this story? Just before I began my last semester of high school, I was called into my counselor’s office. His name was Mr. Banks and his breath was always this horrid fog of cigarettes and coffee. That doesn’t have anything to do with the story, just a disgustingly vivid memory.  
  
Long story short, I had somehow missed a Literature requirement. I needed one more class before I could graduate and the only one available was Poetry. The teacher was some artsy-fartsy hippy who wore Birkenstocks and peasant skirts and sat cross-legged on her desk. Each day, we began class by writing a short poem, eight or ten lines, about how we were feeling. On the fifth day of receiving my ‘ode to horny’, she kept me after class.  
  
“Reid” she said “you’re a teenager who lost his parents at a young age. You should have oodles of feelings.”   
  
Oodles? What an idiot. As I rolled my eyes, she made me an offer. If I would give her one poem, my feelings in iambic pentameter, and she was truly moved, she would give me an A in the class and never bother me again. Don’t threaten me with a good time.  
  
Here’s the part of the story where I tell you how I went home, chewed on the eraser of my pencil as I cut my heart open and let it bleed all over the page. Wrong. I made a deal with the weepy girl behind me to write something melancholy. In exchange for a few hours in a light pink bowtie and cummerbund at the Junior Prom (good luck ever finding a photo of that), I passed with flying colors.   
  
Do I feel bad? Hell no. I’ve never met a brain tumor that I could have removed had I only been able to recite Ezra Pound. Poetry doesn’t impact my life and has never made me feel a damn thing but bored.  
  
So, why now am I thinking about something that happened twenty years ago? About a teacher that was a blight on the public education system? Because I have feelings these days. Feelings that I cherish and have no idea what I would do without.  
  
It’s not that I never had emotions. I’m not a damned robot. I just never had the desire to recognize them. I couldn’t understand the importance of things so fleeting, so irrational.   
  
You showed me the error of my ways, the joy of putting aside my pragmatism and the security of love everlasting. You gave that to me. You, Mr. Snyder, made it not only important, but vital that I feel; the love that flowed through me for months before I told you in that parking lot, the fear of failing in marriage seeing as the Hughes family are the only ones who can make it stick (and even their odds are terrible), the want to build a family with only you even though I know it’s likely that at least one of our children will date their cousin at some point in time.  
  
My homework assignment is two decades too late, but I wonder if Miss Schaumburg would be moved. Who knows. I finally found something that moved me and the only opinion that matters is yours.**  
  
 __ **I've never wanted anyone to lay down next to me; I've laughed and pitied all my friends who marry merrily.**  
  
I've never loved a man nor wanted love returned. I've lived my life alone and glad never to be scorned.   
  
But lately, something's changed. That empty home, so comforting has lately changed its feel- the silence is disquieting.   
  
And when I lie in bed at night I find- I find I lie awake. The silken sheets, so smooth against my skin cannot soothe my inner ache.   
  
It's true, I can't deny it- this fool here, whose heart he locked away, has lost it to a man piece by piece and day by day.   
  
So I give up- the towel's been thrown, and here I am to ask you: Will you be mine and mine alone husband and husband, in love and truth?  



	8. Chapter 8

Reid took a deep breath, forcing it out in a loud huff as his hand hesitated on the door. There was a chance that Luke hadn’t read the journal. He hadn’t seen the ridiculously sappy poem. Maybe Reid could put it off a few more days. He had already endured three sleepless nights. What was a few more?  
  
One step in the house made it very clear that Luke had gotten Reid’s proposal. The toe of his loafer slipped on the rose petals strewn on the floor, the sound of violin music filled the air and the living room was glowing like it could possibly be on fire. Reid shook out his hand, jammed it into his pocket and fingered the simple platinum band tucked safely inside.   
  
Since a trip to the jeweler four days ago, Reid had patted his pocket every thirty seconds. He would have laughed when he overheard Nurse Sassy Britches whisper to the weepy one that ‘someone must have told Dr. Oliver there was a pecker thief on the loose’ if he wasn’t so piss-in-his-pants afraid that he was going to find a way to screw this up. Reid nodded to himself, a silent pep talk that he could, indeed, do this.  
  
Luke stood in front of the fireplace, every candle they owned ablaze on the floor. His bare toes curled into the soft rug as he resisted the urge to tackle Reid when he walked in the room. He had a few things he wanted to say first. “Don’t talk, just listen.”  
  
Reid’s head jerked quickly in agreement. His mouth was so dry he probably couldn’t speak anyway. He swallowed hard and patted his pocket one more time.  
  
“Yes.”  
  
“Yes, you’ll marry me?”  
  
Luke chucked and shook his head. “ _Don’t_ talk, _just_ listen. Not the other way around.”  
  
Reid curled his lips inward and bit down hard. His hand rolled in a motion for Luke to continue.  
  
“Are we good?” When Reid held his silence, Luke stepped closer and continued. “Yes, I wasted so much time on guilt, but I needed you to show me that it was misplaced. And I was persistent. If I hadn’t been, I wouldn’t even know I almost missed out on the best thing that would ever happen to me, so, don’t expect an apology.”  
  
Reaching out, Luke grabbed the hand that was nervously tapping on Reid’s thigh. “We had so many obstacles in the beginning, didn’t we? I know you don’t believe in such things, but you’ll never convince me that our love is anything less than a miracle.”  
  
Luke felt the cool track of a single tear as it slid down his cheek and dangled from his jaw. It could have been the way the candlelight danced in his eyes, but Luke thought he saw a bit of dampness in Reid’s eyes too. His free hand wrapped around the back of Reid’s neck, holding him there as Luke stared deeply into his eyes. “You are not a long shot, Reid. You are my only shot. The only shot I will ever have at the life I barely let myself dream of before you came along.”  
  
A wave of relief washed over Reid so quickly he nearly toppled over from its power. Luke said no talking, but he said nothing about kissing. Luke’s shocked eyes were as big as saucers when Reid yanked him forward. Their chests crashed together before Reid claimed Luke’s lips with ferocity.  
  
Hands were tangled in hair and time was forgotten as hungry tongues lapped and hot mouths sucked at slick lips. Luke couldn’t remember feeling so euphoric in his entire life with the exception of their first time together. He was high off this love, drunk with it. His head was pleasantly swimming as he loosened Reid’s belt and pushed his pants down his hips.  
  
“Mmph” Reid straightened his jeans, fishing the ring from his pocket. “Will you put this damn thing on so I can stop freaking out about losing it?”  
  
Luke bit his lip and batted his eyes at Reid. “Now, this is more like the proposal I expected.”  
  
Reid smiled, sliding the warm metal up Luke’s finger. “You’re not disappointed?”  
  
As sincerely as he had ever said anything, Luke whispered “Never.”  
  
For all those boys and girls who felt too different or too damaged to be loved, this was their fairy tale. Our heroes were trapped in prisons of their own design, but with each other’s help, they escaped and found a safe haven together. Now, the children should brush their teeth and run to bed. This story is over for them. Their eyes are too tender for what happened next.   
  
But for the princes, the story was just beginning. It began with a touch, a soft cupping of a cheek. The need to feel skin on skin was intense, but they relished the slow torture of removing their clothes piece by piece. There was no rush. They had the rest of their lives.  
  
No words were spoken. They had said it all. Luke lay on the rug, Reid covering him an instant later. Their eyes never closed. This moment in time wouldn’t come around again and missing a second was unacceptable. That’s a side effect of forever. The firsts come more slowly, but when they do, there is always someone to share them with.  
  
As Reid lined up, he could feel Luke’s pulsing hole waiting to open, waiting to accept Reid inside. The bravery of that act moved him, and in return, Reid held nothing back. There wasn’t an inch of Luke’s skin that was untouched, unkissed, unloved.  
  
And when each cell had been lavished with tenderness, Reid slammed his hips forward. Luke cried out, begging for more. His hands searched for something solid and landed instinctively over Reid’s heart. The ring reflected the flames around them, but to Luke, it looked like a glimpse of the fire that he had ignited there.   
  
The sex was hard, the pace fast. They were desperate in their use of nails and teeth, but it was just as sweet as before. Love without passion died out quickly. Their desire would burn for an eternity.  
  
Luke seized, his orgasm taking his breath as it shot long ropes over his stomach and chest. Reid’s arms shook violently until he could no longer hold himself up. He pushed into Luke as deeply as he could and came with a shout, Luke’s name on his lips.  
  
They were wet and sticky and unwilling to move. Luke loved this part. The feel of Reid completely spent and heavy on his body wasn’t uncomfortable. It was a sure sign that Reid had given all of himself and Luke had taken it.   
  
“So, when do I get to tell everybody?”  
  
It took him awhile, but Reid found the strength to prop himself up on his elbows. “To be completely honest, I’m shocked you’re not on the phone to your mother right now.”   
  
Luke laughed. Lily must be so confused. The last time he had seen her, she was chasing his car down the drive and asking where he was going so quickly that he couldn’t put on his shoes. Luke hadn’t had time for petty things such as sneakers. He had to find Reid so that they could begin there happily ever after. “Yeah, I should probably let her know everything is alright.”  
  
“Or…”  
  
“Or what?” Luke threaded his fingers lazily through Reid’s damp curls.   
  
Reid kissed Luke sweetly. “We could wait and tell everyone when they’re all together.”  
  
“I know what you’re suggesting.” Luke’s eyes narrowed, but there was a hint of a smile on his lips. “Mom’s rehearsal dinner is in two days, but I’m not doing that, Reid. I’m not stealing her thunder.”  
  
“She’s had enough thunder. Hell, this is what, the eighth time lightning has struck? The National Weather Service keeps tabs on her.”  
  
“Shut up!” Luke slapped weakly at Reid’s chest. “What do I do if someone sees the ring?”  
  
“They won’t.”  
  
“You sound pretty certain.”  
  
“I am.” Reid waggled his eyebrows. “See, you are my sex slave for the next forty-eight hours.”  
  
“And how are you going to manage that?”   
  
“Easily. One phone call to your assistant and one to mine. Poof, our schedules are clear.”  
  
“What?” Luke’s mouth dropped open in exaggerated shock. “Dr. Oliver taking a couple of days off? That’s huge.”  
  
Reid reached between them, tugging at Luke’s cock with his skilled fingers. “Yes, it is.” He situated Luke between his legs and pulled him down for a wet kiss. “Ever fucked an engaged man before, Mr. Snyder?”  
  
Luke sucked two fingers into his mouth before teasing Reid’s quivering asshole. “Don’t mind if I do.”


	9. Chapter 9

Epilogue  
  
 _March 4th, 2060_  
  
I don’t know if I remember how to do this. It’s been a long time since I’ve kept a journal. Reid has been my sounding board for a long time now. He’s a very captive audience these days, but he doesn’t have much to say. I spend most of my time squeezing his hand and begging him to hold on for a little bit longer, fight a little bit harder. I remind him that there are so many stupid arguments that we have yet to have.  
  
This was a good idea. Writing was an outlet for me when I had no one to turn to. It started as a way to clear my thoughts of the day. Then, Reid happened and we talked. Our lines of communication were always open, even when I was the only one speaking. Before I knew it, I was lucky to find a scrap of paper to jot down a note. Every now and then, I’d crack open the laptop and whip up a few lines of snappy dialogue, but my days of chronicling days were over.  
  
You will never hear me say I regret having kept them at one time. If I hadn’t, Reid and I might not have the greatest engagement story ever told. Whichever of my children is reading this just rolled their eyes. They, along with every other soul in town, had heard the story a thousand times. As much as it might pain them, they would have to admit, it was impossibly romantic and incredibly clever. Often imitated, never duplicated, might I add.  
  
It’s true. Our beginning was a fairy tale, but our journey was the stuff of legend. Reid has been my husband for forty-six years now. We never got divorced, haven’t come close, didn’t even hint at it. Those vows we took meant something. They mean something. In sickness and in health.  
  
The kids want me to be prepared. I can count on one hand the number of times I have raised my voice at my children. Yelling was always Reid’s thing, but I swear I want to scream “Do you know how stupid you sound? How can you ever be prepared to lose the love of your life?”  
  
There was a time I thought that man was Noah Mayer. I’ve learned a lot in my seventy-five years and one of the most painful lessons is that love doesn’t always last. One of the greatest? Love will hunt you down like a relentless beast if you are meant to be found. No matter how you try to avoid him, Cupid will sneak up on you and attack when you least expect it. Just ask Reid.  
  
I still think fondly of Noah. Some hot new filmmaker mentioned him as an influence in an article I read. It makes me really proud that I encouraged his creativity. Reid teases me that Noah mentioned me in his Oscar speech, but I was flattered. I think about Noah when I sit in this room, too. About how much it hurt to get that phone call telling me he had passed and how Reid had held me until I stopped crying. About how this is going to hurt so much worse.  
  
Kids, if you are the ones reading this, please stop now. This is just for your dad.   
  
Reid,   
  
Do you remember the first night we went skinny dipping in the old Snyder Pond? We were crazy to even try it. Fall came early that year, but we had just started making love and everything sounded like a good idea. We held onto each other and tread water until you said “Yep, I’m getting out. There’s nothing sexy about shrinkage.”  
  
The evening got better though, didn’t it? We wrapped up in those giant blankets I brought and you made love to me under the stars. That was the perfect night.   
  
I wonder if Heaven will be like that. Before you start, I know you don’t believe in an afterlife, but I do. I have to. I’m not ready for the end, but all the doctors tell me it’s coming. It gets harder not to believe them. I sit here and I hold your hand and it doesn’t move. It used to move knives through brains and it never even twitches.   
  
So, sue me. I look into your face and I believe in an afterlife because this one wasn’t long enough. I haven’t had enough time to love you. There will be a place for us. A place where we are young and beautiful and your hands are soft and nimble and you can use them on me in any way you choose. Deal with it. If you don’t like it, feel free to wake up and tell me how I’m wrong.  
  
Always,  
Luke  
  
 **March 15th, 2060**  
  
Luke,  
  
Leave it to you to be overdramatic. I had to live. You were prepared to go out Notebook Style.   
  
Yours still,  
Reid  
  
PS – Your idea of Heaven doesn’t sound so bad. I’ll meet you there.


End file.
